How about starting with what brought me back here? That's somewhat a tough question to answer, mostly because it means facing some realities and some fears. Life has been crazy lately. And I know a lot of people say that often, as do I, so maybe it's my way of saying, time to slow things down. On and off over the past couple years (if i'm being honest) I haven't been thrilled about my job. Most of the time I love the place where I work and I love the people I work with and that is what has allowed me to stay. But the past 3-6 months have been significant in standing out among the rest. When I feel my body physically hit breaking points where the stress feels like 40 pound weight on my chest, where I'm physically feeling anxiety that makes me feel panicked, have headaches and even upset my stomach, I know it's time to take a break, regroup and evaluate my next move. And here are some facts:
I am capable of doing my job and I strive to do it very well, day in and day out. I work hard, I always try to do things right and I'm always anxious to help others and to learn. Those are all good things.
While I am also all of those things I just said, I am also not passionate about the work that I do. It rarely makes me feel fulfilled or whole or empowered. More often than not lately, it instead leaves me stressed, sometimes punishing myself for thinking I did something wrong, being critical over the seldom mistakes or worried about my capabilities when it comes to doing more and taking on more that I'm not very experienced in yet.
So if the first part is A and the second is B, when you add those together they equal (C): I want to find a new career path. I want to find a job that challenges me in good ways, but also makes me feel valued and even more important, CONFIDENT.
Confidence is something I feel like I've been chasing my whole life. It's like the bunny that has a carrot dangling in front of him/her, ever so close that you think you can reach out and grab it, but it's ever so slightly just out of reach. Don't get me wrong, I think I have my moments of confidence, I'm sure... but there must not be enough if I'm really having a hard time even coming up with one right now.
I will say this though! I read back a couple of my previous posts and not only was I surprised at how some of my thoughts from 3+ years ago still totally and completely relate to how I'm feeling right now, but I was also REALLY impressed with my writing. I almost couldn't believe I had written those words myself. That made me feel good. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn for anyone else but myself.
All along I've always secretly wanted to be a writer. Maybe it's not a secret anymore but I don't think it should be. I've used every excuse to convince myself why I shouldn't do it....such as:
-You won't be any good
-You'll hit mental road blocks and run out of words to write
-It's too hard to get a job doing that
-It will be too hard
-There are already so many other people doing it, who needs another?
-You won't be as good as the others
But I won't know all of this until I try. And I can't not try because I'm scared. Because who wants to stay in their comfort zone forever, never taking a leap to see what it's like on the outside? Not me, not anymore.
Now if only I could find a writing job that I would love that PAYS too? Now that would be the cherry on top. More on that next time, I hope! :)
I'm going to keep up with my photo of day/post tradition. I chose this photo because to me it really speaks to the journey I talked about today and each post, really. And it reminds me to keep striving toward my goals because there is no greater adventure than what lies ahead.
Cheers!
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