Time flies guys.

Well. I haven't wrote a blog post in three and a half years and I'm a little unsure where to start.

How about starting with what brought me back here? That's somewhat a tough question to answer, mostly because it means facing some realities and some fears. Life has been crazy lately. And I know a lot of people say that often, as do I, so maybe it's my way of saying, time to slow things down. On and off over the past couple years (if i'm being honest) I haven't been thrilled about my job. Most of the time I love the place where I work and I love the people I work with and that is what has allowed me to stay. But the past 3-6 months have been significant in standing out among the rest. When I feel my body physically hit breaking points where the stress feels like 40 pound weight on my chest, where I'm physically feeling anxiety that makes me feel panicked, have headaches and even upset my stomach, I know it's time to take a break, regroup and evaluate my next move. And here are some facts:
I am capable of doing my job and I strive to do it very well, day in and day out. I work hard, I always try to do things right and I'm always anxious to help others and to learn. Those are all good things.

While I am also all of those things I just said, I am also not passionate about the work that I do. It rarely makes me feel fulfilled or whole or empowered. More often than not lately, it instead leaves me stressed, sometimes punishing myself for thinking I did something wrong, being critical over the seldom mistakes or worried about my capabilities when it comes to doing more and taking on more that I'm not very experienced in yet.

So if the first part is A and the second is B, when you add those together they equal (C): I want to find a new career path. I want to find a job that challenges me in good ways, but also makes me feel valued and even more important, CONFIDENT.

Confidence is something I feel like I've been chasing my whole life. It's like the bunny that has a carrot dangling in front of him/her, ever so close that you think you can reach out and grab it, but it's ever so slightly just out of reach. Don't get me wrong, I think I have my moments of confidence, I'm sure... but there must not be enough if I'm really having a hard time even coming up with one right now.
I will say this though! I read back a couple of my previous posts and not only was I surprised at how some of my thoughts from 3+ years ago still totally and completely relate to how I'm feeling right now, but I was also REALLY impressed with my writing. I almost couldn't believe I had written those words myself. That made me feel good. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn for anyone else but myself.
All along I've always secretly wanted to be a writer. Maybe it's not a secret anymore but I don't think it should be. I've used every excuse to convince myself why I shouldn't do it....such as:
-You won't be any good
-You'll hit mental road blocks and run out of words to write
-It's too hard to get a job doing that
-It will be too hard
-There are already so many other people doing it, who needs another?
-You won't be as good as the others

But I won't know all of this until I try. And I can't not try because I'm scared. Because who wants to stay in their comfort zone forever, never taking a leap to see what it's like on the outside? Not me, not anymore.
Now if only I could find a writing job that I would love that PAYS too? Now that would be the cherry on top. More on that next time, I hope! :)

I'm going to keep up with my photo of day/post tradition. I chose this photo because to me it really speaks to the journey I talked about today and each post, really. And it reminds me to keep striving toward my goals because there is no greater adventure than what lies ahead.
Cheers!

A Change Can Do You Good. Right?!

So I've been gone for quite a while. So much has happened it wouldn't make sense to even try summing it all up in one sitting. Plus...my creative juices haven't been flowing like they do best for a couple weeks now. I'm in a lull. And it turns out there is actually a legitimate reason (via doctors and such) to why I've been feeling this way (more about that later).

I've got so many changes already under my recently crafted belt and so many still on deck. I'm struggling to wrap my little head around these large feats...but it turns out it's going to happen, whether I like it or not. That's the thing about life, it goes on--with or without you.

So I made the decision to leave my job and pursue other opportunities. I made the decision to move back to my home state to be closer to the people I love most. And I made those decisions a little over a month ago when I saw things as clear as day. I was sitting in my backyard, taking in the summer wind...and it just sorta hit me suddenly. I knew what I wanted to do. I had a plan. And I felt strongly about it. I knew there was risk involved but I had no fear in those moments that it would all work out. I could do it--and I would.

Since that day in my backyard things haven't gone quite as smoothly as I first envisioned them to. But I guess that comes with anything in life. You can't plan the unexpected and you can't fear it either.
My mom had been here visiting that weekend and I told her that same day. For some reason I was surprised that she supported me from the very beginning. She had my back from square one. The next obstacle would be telling my father. My career mentor, my mogul. You see, I had the advantage of knowing what he would think about my decision, which was in the same way a disadvantage. We are so much alike I knew he would have the same exact concerns the logical side of me already had.
"I certainly wouldn't think leaving a perfectly good job without having another one lined up seems smart." "How will you afford this?" What if things don't work out?" and the kicker... "What if you change your mind?"
In reality I had thought most of that through. I had money saved. I knew if I wanted it enough I'd make things work. I had all the skills and experience and promise of landing a job when I came across it.
But what if I did change my mind? Leaving the wonderful city life of Chicago... a place I had made a life for over 3 years. What if things didn't pan out quickly in Michigan? What if I it wasn't so easy to find a job? Those were the tough ones. Those are the same questions I've asked myself every day since.
Especially on the days I start telling people about my decision. Because THAT is what really makes it real. Makes it hit ya. Makes you think... 'oh no, wait!! maybe I should stay.' Especially when those people start asking you the same questions you've already been asking yourself.  You see people always want to know what's next in this world. Whether they are just nosy and itching for information or they're just trying to keep the conversation flowing. Oh you're leaving... why are you leaving? Where are you going? Where will you live? What will you do? Why would you do that? Have you started packing yet? Seriously--who asks if you've started packing yet?
After it was announced at our company wide meeting today I got a mixture of all those questions and comments. I have to say that I realize probably every single one of those people that asked was doing so in high regard and wanted to wish the best to me. In fact I wish I could share the whole story with them so they would know what brought me to this point. But still it felt uneasy to talk about it... and I questioned how much detail to give. Especially when my boss's desk is roughly 6 1/2 feet from the conversation so she can hear every word spoken (just like you can hear a pin drop in a 20 foot radius because it's so quiet all the time).
So to get back to the point I was trying to make when I started this...Change is scary. Change is risky. Change is exciting. Change is a mystery. Change can be many things to many people but usually it's not the easiest choice when it's yours to make. But change can be good and change will be good because it's necessary to move forward and grow. How can we be so resistant to something that is consistently constant? So now that I've acknowledged some fears, I'll acknowledge my strength for choosing the more challenging path. And look forward to the next part of the adventure. And embrace the idea that if you want things to get better you have to do something about it.
So change.... it's a good thing.


To be continued...

(insert some inspirational quote about how change is constant like the four seasons ....each spring things blossom just as new, giving you a chance to start fresh, to start over)

Weak All Over

MY OH MY. How quickly life can change....in a month, in a week, in a day. For better or for worse.
I can honestly say that I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. I can't sleep. Food has lost taste. An hour just doesn't go by the same way it did before... Before what? Before a force of nature shifted things in my life. Before this person came into my life. Whether it's too early to tell, or it's just the logical/realist thoughts I have lingering around that brain of mine, I'm trying so hard to take caution. But as much as I try to hold back and stay grounded there is a feeling that's been growing inside me for days now. Is all that stuff you read about or see in the movies actually possible? Is this what I think it could be? Again, it may be too soon to define what it is. But it's definitely something.
Something powerful. Something in the making. Something life changing.  Something I've been waiting for. Something I wasn't sure existed.

It came out of left field...After a weekend that had already lifted me so high, there was this hand reaching out to me. At first it was lent in guidance, like a friend granting a nice gesture. But within a few days it had transformed, gaining more momentum each day, each hour, each minute.  And now it has become a force that knows no bounds.

There have been more times in the past week I've felt 'weak in the knees' than I can ever remember happening so sudden and so continuously. Could this be real? How will I know? Is this an addiction? Because I feel physically drained from this drug. But I still want more. I'm left always wanting more except that this time it's different than any other time before. The more is right there with me. The more is outdoing me. The more is bringing me warmth. And comfort.  And bursts of emotion. And hope of what could be. And hope of what life should be. And the faith that fate truly does work in mysterious ways.
All that's left is what's to come.
And I just can't wait anymore.
Until then, I only exist to see him.

 my photo of the day... represents a mindset we should all work towards. This picture to me represents beauty, peace, and calm. 

Girl Power :)

(warning, sort of a rant/strand of run-on sentences ahead) So the show 'Girl Code' got me thinking... about many things really, because it's awesomely hilarious, but one that popped into my head stuck with me. I think we (women) have a lot of pressure riding on us holding our shit together. I sit here and I'm watching this show, which I haven't done in a while.. like actually sat down and watched TV at this hour during the week because usually I'm running to the gym or to meet someone for dinner or cooking meals for the next day (which i really should be doing in this case btw)... but when I don't give myself days to slow down and just chill, I get too wound up. So anyway here I am just vegging out,  sitting and watching TV, (not even having a glass of wine mind you!!) and I'm thinking ... There are times I feel so exhausted and busy and my life feels pretty full most times and I realize there are women that do what i do, and have a husband, and 2 kids, and maybe even a friggin dog, and etc etc and they have to cook dinner  and on and on... and it's like jimminy cricket people! When does it end? I'm not trying to be sexist at all, even though this will sound that way, but to be a home maker/mom and be awesome at that is one thing, (and admirable too, i will add) and then to do the working full time thing and having a social life and all the other day to day keeping fit, etc. is another thing that takes arguably equal effort or is just as exhuasting... and then there's the feeling for women who try to do both...!! There is some sort of a stigma in place, that I too am a victim of, that makes me feel inferior if I'm not doing it all and doing it well and always on top of my game. I mean, I dont have a husband and kids and all that, I just have my one job that consists of my 12 hour week days with this long commute and then I have my week nights where I try to always be working out and or be social enough to go on a date for goodness sake, and etc. but there's always like this cloud that hangs over my head with a voice saying, "hey you should probably be cooking your dinner//lunch for the next couple days and doing this plus a b & c... and if you can't handle that then you suck girrrrrrrllllll" ya the voice in my head often adds twang and exaggerative syllables...

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that women are awesome.  I may be a bit biased since I am one but I just think we pull off way more than men or at least we're kind of expected to without flinching(unofficially)--and we do pull it off because we're awesome but we also all need to give ourselves a little more credit sometimes.  It's okay to take a moment or two off from doing wonder woman-like things every now and then!

Cheers girls!!

Photo of the day:

Although this is a MAN and I just went on about girls and women...it still represents strength and beauty and confidence to me so it seems fitting. This guy is like the leader of the germans in Chicago... or something important, I may be way off, but he (as most statues do) just seems so strong and confident and sure of where his life is going doesn't he? I think maybe we could all follow in this guys footsteps in some way... haha but maybe not by letting a giant bird come perch on your knee.

"Just go where the wind blows..."

Lyric I picked up on today and am now currently in love with:"I just wanna have a goood time, can't I have fun for the rest of my life? just go where the wind blows" I feel like it translates well for how I'm feeling with my life at the moment. When things are moving at a busy pace and I've got good times rolling one after the other everything just seems so intensely satisfying. I don't want the good times to stop. But we all have to take breaks sometimes (obviously right?) and come back to reality and face our responsibilities....When those times occur I usually sense a small lull in myself. Things feel too slow paced, almost boring. But I'm trying to learn that instead of seeing this as a negative thing, to instead embrace these moments to rest, recharge, listen to my body, listen to my mind and let it guide what step I take next. I need to take more of these moments in fact. It's important to make sure you feel secure on your own... I knew this...but haven't always acted on it.

In other news of recent advice I've been given on this funky feeling day... I was telling my friend that lives in Cali that I was in a bit of a sour mood and asked him if he could brighten my day at all (he alwayyyys seems to be in a 'sunny' mood). He told me, "It doesn't take much to make me happy. You see, the trick to being cheaply amused is to find one thing good about your day and love the hell out of it."
Instantly it clicked with me. I feel I often let the day to day grind and routine prevail over the small details and many of those little things that often are quite enough to make a day a good one. There's got to be at least one thing about everyone's day that was good. Unless you're a total pessimist in which case you've got bigger problems, bud. It's easy to tune out the good and dwell on the bad. But if you work at it just a little to fight that tide and change your focus to those positive things, you'll find yourself in a much better place.
So I hope if anything you take away a small piece of good, or hope, or happiness on with you to wherever you're heading next. :)
And here's a photo that I feel breeds beauty in its serenity:

A view from the gardens of Chicago :)

Feelin the Good Vibrations

Wow! So this is really hard keeping up with this. I initially had in mind to post to this once a day and look at how this is slipping away from me already! I guess it would help if I travelled everywhere taking my laptop with me... which I don't. And it would also help if during my friggin' long (usually stressful) commute home from work, I could document during that time. I always wish I had a good old fashioned (tape?) recorder to get it all out in the moment...right when it all makes sense in my head. But alas, here I am... at the end of a busy day trying to remember all of it.
I will go back on my most recent weekend though for a minute here. It ended up being a reminder to me that this journey I'm on NEVER ceases to amuse and/or surprise me. I feel luckier and more blessed than ever to have the family and friends that I do in my life. Even after just having another birthday go buy (in which I turned a "YOUNG" 27) I feel like I'm stilllll always learning through every experience I come across. I accept that there are always going to be bad days and minor setbacks but I choose to look at each of these as more of lessons that have made me wiser (ya get that with age right?!) The more I look around and see--or on the contrary, the more I stop to observe, the more beauty I see all around me.
This weekend also reminded me to keep and stay focused on my ambition and let that be the guiding factor in my life right now. I've accomplished some of my goals but I've also set new ones. I've also still not reached a couple that are still attainable (like when in high school joking with my friends that there would be a day I'd be driving a white beemer and carrying a briefcase around). But the good news is, there's still plenty of time for that!
It's just been one of those can't stop smiling kind of days.
Great friends, great family, great conversation, great adventure....another token of the journey to discover my true potential.
One day I'll be a powerful player in this world. Just you wait and see.... ;)

Pic of the day.....

A highlight of the birthday weekend, the "happiest 5k" on earth.  And the reminder that everyone needs a little color (and flare) in their lives.  :)

Ups & Downs

It's kind of strange how quickly things can change to some extent. This past week felt like one of the busiest I've had in months, there was good stress (excitement), bad stress (overloadddd at work) and barely enough time to take to myself to calm down. It felt nonstop! At one point last night though, once home, with company I realized the buzzing in my brain had stopped. Quiet.
I've wanted to just relax and feel normal again and now that I do I feel a little down....like I'm already missing the hype and excitement and charge I felt all week.
And sometimes looking at Facebook adds fuel to the fire. Like, look what the rest of the world is doing... they all look so happy...
But enough self pity. It is my BIRTHDAY weekend. I will keep Marching on!! And I literally have got to get marching on to all the things this day beholds. Must keep it short. Guest is here.
ciao for nowwwwwww
stay tuned for a birthday weekend wrap up that should surely be interesting (unlike this post kinda was) ;)

And as promised...my photo of the day. I like this picture because it shows promise. Promise that the sun is peaking out of those clouds and shining so bright it shines on through. Beautiful weather and experiences are in store y'all. Peace!